Brownie Points
by Angela and MiniMix
Summary: Seto Kaiba is not gay. Seto Kaiba is only helping Marik keep custody of his daughter. That is what friends andor exboyfriends do when they are not gay. So why is it so hard to be not gay?
1. I'm not Gay

I have only four words to say: Brownies, meet my brain.

* * *

"Marik, I thought we agreed I wasn't gay." 

Those were the first words out of my mouth when I opened the door to see him standing there with what seemed to be a five year old. Or a very tiny midget. We were yet to be introduced, so she could very well have been. I don't know. He just blinked at me. Yes, about my statement. See, about a year ago, I thought I was gay and the sexy Egyptian here dated me for a week. Then I dumped him and we agreed that I, the wonderful and Godly Seto, was not gay. I am a Narcisst though, I admit. Anyway, back to my predicament. The kid, or midget, had a 'dumb and happy' expression. I hate happy. Marik had a 'Oh Lord and Master of the Universe Seto! Please Help Me!' look. Unfortunately, with him, 'help me' normally translates to 'sleep with me!' And then I'm screwed over yet again. Literally and figuratively. I glared at the midget. I hate them. Because you have to take care of them and it's _always_ 'I'm hungry' or 'I'm thirsty' and 'read me this' or 'buy me that' and you finally just _snap_ and say 'no, I _won't_ buy you the God damn pony because I _already_ bought you the two wolfhounds, the golf course, the pure gold bicycle, and the bloody pigeon!' ...Ugh, she smiled at me. I turned to Marik again.

"Right. I'm here for help."

"I'm not a psychiatrist."

"...Legal help."

"I'm not saving you from jail. Or suing anybody for cash." I love this game. We can play it for hours.

"Custody of Reiyne." He pointed to the midget. Damn! He ended the game. Curses! Well, I'll just have to restart it.

"Who is she?"

"My daughter."

"How?"

"Long story."

"I have time."

"It involved alchohol."

"And a female?"

"No, a monkey," he answered flatly, rolling his eyes. He thinks he ended it, does he? I'll show him!

"I'm sure Honda's a lovely mother."

"Yes a female!"

"Do tell."

"Not with her around."

"Then let the midge-I mean kid- wander around. She's bound to get los-find something interesting eventually." People say I'm a mean person. I think they're all liars who need their tongues cut out. I'm crass and rude and bossy and I could use a breath mint in the morning, but I'm not mean. Bullies are mean. They take lunch money. I don't take lunch money. I take companies and livelihoods and make grown men cry and commit suicide, but it's all business. I'm a very nice person. Mokuba said so. And Marik, but he's a psychopathic idiot with schitzophrenia, so he can't count. Anyway, he gave me a flat look before turning to the midg-er, kid-daughter type... thing. He whispered something, what did he say, and she went off to play. In _my_ yard.

... Bloody hell. Where's a viscious, bloodthirsty, man eating guard dog with rabies when you need one? If she ruins even one blade of grass in my perfectly manicured lawn, the world will learn why Seto Kaiba has no children. They'll also learn why most animal species eat their young. They taste like chicken, dammit! Except chicken. Chicken taste like macoroni. I'm not sure why...

I snapped back to attention as Marik sat on my perfect couch. Damn him, leaving butt prints on my furniture. He's going to tell me about how he had a kid now, though, so I guess he can be forgiven. Oh goody, story time! Erm, right.

"I got drunk five years ago. Stuff happened, mostly I don't remember what. About a week ago, Reiyne showed up on my doorstep with a note. Now some guy claiming to be her stepdad is trying to take me to court for her. I don't want to lose her. I like her. Can you help?" He glanced outside.

I frowned. Okay, I lied. I'm a mean person. Even to the tiny group of people I call my friends. That's because they don't know they're my friends. Marik's in that group. I finally shrugged.

"I suppose," I gave in. I always end up giving in to Marik. It's the eye thing he does. They get all big and round and tearful. He knows it makes me give in. He was doing it now. I patted his head. "I'll get you a lawyer."

I hit the floor when he tackled me.

"Thank you Seto!"

"You're welcome! Now let me breathe!"

When he got up, and let me sit up, I brushed my trenchcoat off. Ew, Marik germs. I got to my feet anf glanced outside. Damn, she's tiny... Was she really his? She's so small! A Kuriboh could have been twice her size! Well, no, that's a lie. Kuriboh's aren't that big. But still. And she wasn't even cute! I hate short kids, they can't ever reach things. Damn her, being short! And Marik's pretty tall.How did she get short genes? Was her mother a midget? I'll have to ask sometime.

"Helllloooo? Setooo? Stop spacing out."

I blinked ."Huh? Yeah, right. Sure." I shrugged. "You going to leave now? You're breathing my precious air."

Marik gave me an adorable pout, but he left. I watched him go.

* * *

Well, that's chapter one. It's a little odd, I know. But brownies will do that. And Seto's a bit... strange. Yeah, I did that on purpose. Trust me. Chapter two will come out soon. That one has more humor, including clams, forks and flamingoes.


	2. Flamin' Go

I'm glad everyone liked this so much. It's a lot of fun to write this, you know? I mean, come on. Who _hasn't_ wanted to turn Seto into a crazy, tangential oddball? Don't answer that. Anyway, usual disclaimers apply, enjoy. Oh! And The "Flamin' Go" was inspired by a friend of mine's magnetic flamingo and another one's silly comments about a gay restaurant.

* * *

Two days later I'm sitting in the Flamin' Go, eating a steak with Mokuba, when in walks Marik and mid- I mean Reiyne. They sit at the table behind us. Next to the clam tank. Stupid clams. Being so ugly in their shells, breathing in water... Damn you clams! Damn you! Damn your overpriced stuffed goodness! Mmmm, clams... I'll stop now. So anyway, there they sit. Now, I simply _must_ know where that lovely piece of Egyptian (I'm not gay dammit!) got the money to eat here. I decided to ask, and turn around. 

"Marik?"

He ignores me though, in favor of his menu. How dare he! I, a god, speak to him and he _ignores _me? Well, see if I ever pay for his dry cleaning again! Or for that _gorgeous _little summer house I bought him. Or that motorcycle I had custom made. Or the- dammit I got off topic again. Anyway, I threw a fork at him. It stuck in his back. After a second, he turned.

"_What_ do you want?"

"My fork back, for one," I answered. When it was returned, I tried to remember what my question was... Oh! Yes. "How did you get the money to eat here?"

"I didn't."

"Then how are you paying?"

"Your tab, of course."

I stared. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to take this fork and shove it up his a-

"Big brother?"

"Yes?"

"Can I order clams for dessert?"

I stared at Mokuba. My fork was going in his eye first, I swear it. Putting on my best "I love you baby brother!" face, I nodded. "Of couse."

"Thank you!"

Some days, I truly hate that child, I truly do. Mokuba just gave me a giant smile. Damn him. Oh, look. A waiter is here... I'm getting my desert and Mokuba is getting his clams. Damn kid. Marik's still waiting for me to tell him what I wanted. I think anyway. Good. Let him wait. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha! ...I'm done. Alright.

"So."

"What?"

"Why are you using my tab?" He shrugged. He needs to stop that, it's an annoying habit.

"Because I'm broke and you're rich. Be glad I didn't swipe your credit cards."

"I should hate you."

"But you love me and you know it." He turned back around.

I stabbed my cheesecake. I hate cheesecake...

* * *

Yeah yeah. Took me forever to update. I know. Sorry. But the notebook went missing for a little bit. Next chapter, Seto and RoboRaptor have an eventful meeting. Don't miss it! And yes, this one is short, I know. Next chapter is longer and chapter four is six and a half pages long to make up for it. 


	3. RoboRaptor Mornings

Well, this is the long awaited-okay, not that long but still,- confrontation between Seto and RoboRaptor. Bet you can't wait. I can't, and I wrote it. Alrighty then. Usual disclaimers apply, I'm healed of pneumonia for those curious, and let's begin!

* * *

"_Son of a bitch! Mokuba get this thing out of my room!" _I hate eventful mornings. I hate them more so when the event is waking up to RoboRaptor standing over me. It's bad enough leaving the house with Mokuba pitting RoboRaptor against Obelisk figures and returning home later to see the figures torn apart with their heads shoved in the dino's mouth. Waking up to that same mouth over your eyeball, plastic teeth gleaming, no thank you. Mokuba poked his head in my room, and just started laughing. One of these days, I swear...

"I found RoboRaptor, Jeeves!"

"Who the hell is Jeeves?"

"The butler."

"That's not his name!"

"He said I can call him that." Our butler walked in at this moment, and gingerly picled up RoboRaptor, promptly carrying him away. I tackled Mokuba. He screamed and ran. I chased him. No way in hell he was getting away with that RoboRaptor stunt of his. There'd be hell to pay first. It took two hallways, three stairwells and a doorway, but I caught my lovely little brother. Needless to say, there'll be no more RoboRaptor mornings. I'm glad we got that cleared away. It'd be... unfortunate if something were to happen to Mokuba after one of these stunts. After all, I can't be held accountable for my actions on days like this. I let him go and headed down to breakfast. It smelled like bacon and eggs and toast. And coffee. Dear _gods, _I love coffee. I can live on coffee. I know, I've done it. It was quite easy, really. If Mokuba didn't make the staff give me food, I'd have started living on the stuff years ago. Hm, maybe I should just give up food for coffee... I really like coffee, as you can see.

Anyway, I made it to our kitchen dining-room area... thing. And sat down. My staff is very efficient. I was hardly seated before I had a coffee and a paper. Then food. Ooh, buttered toast...

Okay, I changed my mind. I won't give up food. I like my buttered toast. It's very tasty. And buttery. Mmm, buttered toast.

So, here I am, chowing down on my buttered toa- Did I just say chowing down? I've been around the mutt too long... Anyway, I was eating. And in strolls Marik, with his little midget. I stopped eating, toast halfway to my mouth. Why am I always interrupted at mealtimes? And why didn't I drink my coffee yet?

"What are you doing in my mansion?"

"Walking."

"Why?"

"Mokuba let us in."

"_Why_?"

"Because we came to visit and see if you wanted to go to the zoo."

"Can I have some toast?" Behold! The midget speaks!

"No."

"Aw, come on Seto. Give her some toast." What's this, he thinks to give her my toast with butter? Think not does I! ... I really have to stop that, it's kind of weird.

"I'll go." Why do people insist on tackling me? When Marik and Reiynge got off me, I resumed my toast eating. Little brat stole some toast... Jeeves-I mean the butler- came in and ushered them out so I could eat in peace. I liked Marik's pants... More toast!

* * *

That's it for now. Next chapter involves monkeys, narceleptic elephants, and we learn some things about Seto! And Reiyne gets the letter Q! You'll see.


	4. Monkey Attack

Forgot to mention last chapter. The thing with RoboRaptor and Obelisk? My sister and I do that all the time in our little mini-movie series called _"The Adventures of RoboRaptor. (And sometimes Obelisk.)"_ It's quite fun, really. Try it sometime.

* * *

I hate monkeys. I utterly despise robot monkeys, but I hate regular monkeys too. Yet here I am, standing with midget girl, Marik and Mokuba, staring at monkeys. 

"Do they actually _do_ anything?" I finally ask. "Besides, I mean, pick their noses."

"Oh sure. It just takes time," Marik answered, as he wandered off to buy the kid some treat. Or something.

"Bring me back some ice cream."

"What am I, your maid?"

"Since you spent three hundred dollars on my tab, yes."

"Touche."

"Make sure it's chocolate." Yay, I love chocolate. Almost as much as I love coffee. Of course, that's a secret. Almost no one knows that except me, Mokuba and Marik. Yay! I got my ice cream! Friggin' nice. Mmm, chocolatte...

We're still in front of the monkeys, waiting for them to do something. And one of them suddenly reaches out and _grabs my ice cream._ No fucking way. Son of a bitch. I'll kill the little primate bastard. That was my ice cream! Where's a zoo keeper!

Aha! Zoo keeper! I grabbed him.

"Open that!"

"What? Why?"

"I have money, that's why. _Do it._" I don't think he's supposed to open it for me, but I'm Seto Kaiba, dammit. He's doing it! He opened the door. I flew into the cage, and glanced around. The monkey was in the tree, eating _my_ ice cream. I'll kill it. I swear I will. I climbed that tree so fast I think even the monkeys were surprised. I mean, I didn't have a tail like they did to help me climb so fast. Of course, I did have a combination of pissed offness for the theft and pure hate for the monkey community. A deadly combination. The local zoo monkey populace was now officially on my hit list as number one. I reached my target and he jumped. I was right behind the little bastard.

When we landed, there was one of those weird cartoon fight censoring dust clouds that I didn't question as I beat the crap out of the little thief.

When I emerged from the cage victoriously, I threw away the ice cream.

"What the hell did you throw it out for?"

"He licked it. I'm not eating what a monkey licked."

"Then why the _hell _did you go and fight the monkey for it!"

"Because no one steals Seto Kaiba's ice cream and gets away with it." I nodded wisely at my own statement. It's true. Steal my ice cream and I will stalk you for eternity just to get it back, or get revenge if you eat it first. I'm not too picky, but I'd prefer to get it back.

"I hope a narceleptic elephant hits you..."he told me. He is so hurtful. ...Is it even possible for elephants to be narceleptic? I wonder... I should research that. Or better yet, give Mokuba a bogus job doing it for me. Yessssss, perfect plan! I am _such _a genius!

"Your big brother is kinda freaky."

Oh, the midget will pay! I will introduce her to freaky! I'll do shit so weird her head will spin in twenty seven and a half seperate directions. Figuratively, of course. Because literally would be sort of creepy. Gods, I hate kids. And if they're our future, I say we kill them all now and let the world end. No effect on me. If the world were ending, females would be the first to panic and die out. With their female parts and womanly non man-like ways. Then morons like Wheeler and Honda.

... When the females die out, I hope Anzu is the first to go. She's an annoying one. Oh, look. An elephant. I didn't even know we started walking again. I hope we didn't pass the flamingoes yet. I adore flamingoes. Marik got me a flamingo shaped ceramic paper weight for my birthday last year as a joke. No one else got it. Man I love that guy. Flamingoes!

"Flamingoes!" I yelled.

Withing seconds, I was at the exhibit, shoving people out of my way. Idiots! I'm the great Seto Kaiba! Move it! Shoving an old man out of my way, (Who cares if he's old? He was in my way!) I stared at my beloved animals. Flamingoes are wonderful animals, you know. They're not really pink, it's from all the shrimp they eat. Shrimp! Imagine that, flamingoes eat shrimp! Ha!

The Flamin' Go restaurant I like has a neon pink flamingo sign, and if you put the name together, it spells flamingo. That's why it's my favorite place to eat. That and because they make a damn good steak. Someone grabbed my arm.

"You're such an ass. Apologize to those people," Marik scolded. With a flat look, I shook my head and resumed my flamingo watching. Damn I love flamingoes. They're so cute!

"Don't ignore me."

"Stop interrupting me, dammit! I'm trying to calculate the cost of owning a flamingo or two!"

"Why?"

That midget again! With her questiony questioning... Questions.

"Don't talk to me anymore today mi-Reiyne, and Uncle Seto will give you something special!" I said sweetly.

"Really? What!"

"You ready for this?"

"Yes!"

"Sure?"

"Uh-huh!"

"The letter Q!" I beamed at her. She stared at me.

"What would I do with the letter Q?" she finally asked.

"Ah! No talky!"

"Bu-"

"No talky!"

She pouted and retreated behind Marik. Ahhh, silence. Sweet, golden, lovely silence...

"Big brother! Come on! Time to see the penguins!" No! I was not done admiring the flamingoes! I nearly wept as I was dragged from the beautiful animals, on my way to see the hideous bags of flesh and feathers that lacked flight. I hate penguins as much as I hate monkeys. My two greatest enemies. Minus the Blue Screen of Death when my laptop crashes and Yugi Motou in a duel. Damn you the Blue Screen of Death and Yugi Motou! Damn you!

Ew, penguins. They were eating what looked hideously like a pile of baggy flesh filled with guts and organs. I keep telling Mokuba those are human organs harvested off of illegally smuggled orphans from Hong Kong who are "harvested" on "organ farms" but he never believes me. Heeeeey, maybe midget will!

"Hey Reiyne! Know what they're eating?"

She gave me a wary look and shook her head.

"Piles of baggy old people flesh filled with human organs harvested from illegally smuggled Hong Kong orphans who are forced to live on "organ farms" run by rich guys who want cheap penguin food. They pass it off as fish," I told her cheerfully. She looked horrified. Score! Seto's to do list item number one: Scare small child? Check! Next item please!

"Daddy! Is it true?" Marik glared. Aw, crap. This really ruins the friendship level, don't it?

"No sweetie. Seto's just a big stupidhead who likes to scare small children for his own amusement. Ignore him."

That's highly unfair. I am not a stupidhead. I do like to scare small children, but hell, so does he. He got me into it. Why does _she_ get to cling to his leg anyway? ...Wait. That came out wrong.

"I hate penguins."

"We know," was the group response. They know? But ho- Oh yes. I've said it a few times before. Yes, well, whatever. The penguins were the last exhibit, so we left after that. I wanted to pout because Marik didn't give me a hug. Bastard. I did give Reiyne her Q though. I drew a big Q on the back of some random paper and gave it to her. She shoved it in her pocket and thanked me, before skipping off with him. Lucky brat...

* * *

Yeah. For reference, unlike Seto, I adore penguins. But flamingoes scare me, with their one legged standingness... Creepy. Anyway! Yes. I uh... Don't really know what comes next chapter. I haven't written it yet. -Shifty eyes- I got a paragraph into the next chapter, then I sort of wandered away. I'm not losing interest, I was simply distracted, I swear. I'll get right on it, really, I will. So, this chapter I can't give you a hint of what's next, but next chapter maybe I can.

EDIT: Now that I've written it, next chapter involves a party, a plague, an albino rat, and 462 rooms. And nachos. Yay nachos.


	5. Parteh

Well, it's chapter five. Yes. A whole chapter five. I also think it's the one month anniversary of Brownie Points, but I'm not sure exactly. I'm vaguely fuzzy. Anyway, they have their party now! Woot. Oh, and Bakura is picked on this chapter, so don't be alarmed. It's his turn, but Seto lets him alone after this, I promise. Well, except for the incident with the lemon... Anyway! Oh, and because I'm feeling really good and humorous and though I just told everyone that I'm updating this Saturday only ten minutes ago, I'll update now. Oh, and if I made an spelling errors, someone wanna let me know? I type too fast and I never seem to catch them until after I post.

* * *

Dear Lord, I think the midget's growing on me! Not like a growth or anything, you know, like... I'm starting to like her. It's scary. It's scary. Marik's coming over today and he's bringing her along. I got him that lawyer I promised so he wants to thank me he said. Sooo, he's coming to my mansion and making me something. Or something. I don't know really. It's very confusing. I think he also said something about the others coming. And about Bakura. He better not dating that albino rat. Sorry, _British _albino rat. 

Damn British kid. Lucky he's my friend or I'd sue him for... Uhm, for being albino. Yeah, that's it. No, I'm kidding.

Bakura's cool, in his own quiet-never-questions-me-and-stays-out-of-my-way-thusly-avoiding-my-wrath kind of way.

But if he's dating Marik I'll kill him, and I'm still not gay. Marik's simply more fun single is all.

Oh! Doorbell! Jeeves- dammit I mean the butler- got the door. Marik's here!

Along with the rest.

And I'm still in my bathrobe. Ah dammit. Might as well run around naked now, it'd be the same thing. I don't have time to get to my room to put on actual clothing instead of the bathrobe and pajamas. And for the fangirls. No. I do not sleep naked.

"Master Seto, your guests have arrived."

"Hold them off for a moment, Jeeves I mean Roland I mean... Employee! Yes, we'll go with that. Employee, hold them off!"

I hold a record of thirty seconds in getting dressed. I know because Marik once timed me. That came into play now. And for once I'm glad to know exactly how long I take to get dressed. It means I know how long to charge them for breathing my air. But yeah.

When I got back down to them, they had gotten comfortable and settled down. Like they lived there. I should _so _beat them with sticks. ... Really big sticks.

...I am such an asshole, aren't I? Ah well. They already know I am.

"Okay, why is there a large infestation in my home?"

"We're not an infestation, we're a plague."

Oh, very cute Marik...

"Then why is there a large plague in my house?"

"To party."

"...Why my place?"

"Because you have four hundred and sixty two rooms while the rest of us lowly mortals only have less than eight?" Very clever. Dammit. My greatness has betrayed me! "Plus, you're rich. You have food."

"No I don't." The fact that they were all eating nachos made my statement a blatent lie, but oh well.

"You're a horrible liar Kaiba."

"And you're a horrible loser Wheeler."

Ooh, scary conversation. I should never take drugs. Drugs are bad. And they'll make me even more random than I already am. Remember kids. Drugs are bad.

"Did that even make sense as an insult?"

"Probably not. But shut up anyway."

"I hope you never take drugs Kaiba. Or you'd be one messed up crackhead."

"Just shut up and eat your nachos Wheeler." I sat, well flopped really, down next to Marik. And midget girl. Why is she leaning on me? Do I _look _like a pillow? I better not. I'd be a freaky looking on then. Anyway, while I was dealing with my midget problem, someone, I think Mokuba, turned on music. At least it was good music.

------

A few hours into our little "party", I found Marik chatting up everyone's favorite albino rat. I saw polka dots. Red is too bland a color, so I saw polka dots. I would have hit him, but Mokuba shoved me into Wheeler. Damn that boy! This caused a fight, and Marik and Ratboy came to see what was up.

I kicked Wheeler's ass good, with my ninja-like ways. ... Alright, so we traded a few insults then backed off, but same thing, right? Right. So yeah. I didn't get a chance to beat up Ratboy then, so I decided to wait. I'd get one eventually...

* * *

Next chapter! Seto gets a shock! A disturbingly surprising shock. And are microwaves truly the cause of his insanity? Are vampires really out there? And what do dying goldfish have to do with Anzu? Tune in next time to find out! **NEXT CHAPTER IS VERY SHORT.** It sucks, I know. I apologize that it will be so short. But the one after that will be longer and filled with more insanity than you can shake an insanity filled stick at. 


	6. Microwavable Insanity

This is chapter six. Chapter seven is being posted immediately after this one, because this one is so short. Enjoy.

* * *

Aha! I've caught Ratboy alone- okay no he's not, he's making out with Yami, ew. Ewwww, that's just disgusting, ewwww. Nasty, ewww. I hate microwaves. They take too long to make food and ewwwwwwwwwww. Those two kissing is nasty! Ewww! I don't let Mokuba use our microwave, it's mostly for decoration, even the staff don't use it. I don't think it even works. Ew, they're still kissing. Why are they in my room? They need to get out, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. 

"Okay, break it up. Out of my room."

Ratboy and Freakman looked up and blinked at me. Ratboy at least had the sense to look mortally embarrassed, but Freakman just stared blankly at me.

I think microwaves manufactured by vampires. No, seriously. They are. They have to be. They explode.

Why are they still on my bed?

"Are you going to just stare, or are you going to leave? I sleep on that." I'm blaming microwaves for all my problems. With their infared waves and Gamma waves and visible spectrum waves and microwaves and saltwater waves, and no more science for me. Where was I again? Oh yes.

Blaming inanimate objects for my insanity. Which, ironically, proves that insanity...

...I need nachos.

I turned and left the room, headed back to the plague party. And then made a beeline for the nacho bowl.

_Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. _That is not my motto. But it did say that across Anzu's shirt, on her chest. Ew, she has a chest. And then she complains guys stare at her. Then stop wearing stupid catchphrases across your chest and they won't, you flat chested old hag faced daughter of a dying goldfish!

... I need a hug even more than nachos. Or a nap.

I'm so annoyed- or disturbed by recent events and images- that I'm rambling about nothing and everything and have no idea what I'm on about.

Leaving Mokuba to entertain- or torment, I'm fine with either one- the plague, I escaped to my room. After stripping off the sheets and attaching a note for the maid to burn them, I grabbed a blanket and took a nap.

* * *

Next week on Brownie Points: Why are Seto and Ryou carrying lemons through the mansion? Do lemons really kill vampires? Is the apocalypse really on the rise? And why is Seto throwing lemons at his butler? Find out next week! 


	7. Vampire Lemons

Reviewers, I have an announcement like thing for you. Anyone who reviews will get an icon like image I made- and then had a friend resize to fit properly- specifically for this chapter. I'd prefer if you left a signed review so I could reply and get a place to send it to, but if you leave an anon. one, then put in your email, k? I'll send it, I promise. With that, usual disclaimers as usual, enjoy the fic, and if someone sees Ryou wandering around, could you remind him I'm waiting on my coffee? Thanks.

* * *

Right now, it's four days after the plague party. And now Ryou and I are carrying baskets of lemons across the mansion to a fort I made out of pillows, blankets, chairs and a table. They are my only protection against the rising apocalypse. Let the demons and vampires come, I don't care. I've got lemons. 

The butler returned with more lemons from the store, and I moved to examine them.

"What is wrong with you! This is not lemony enough! I demanded perfect lemons, not this rabble!" I shouted, throwing it at him. Poor man, he almost had a heart attack when it hit him.

I turned to see Marik asking Ryou what we were doing. Some days, I wish my friends were vampires, so they couldn't come in unless I _invited _them in. MArik raised an eyebrow.

"Seto?"

"Getting ready for the apocalypse."

"With lemons?"

"To fight the vampires."

"...Right." Marik watched us a moment longer, following us to my not so secret fort and back. I was pleased to see that the pile had grown. I'd be prepared...

"Now, why do you want to use lemons?"

"They're damnably pure. Almost like holy water, but cheaper. I can afford lemons."

"...Is there a reason for this belief?"

"I saw it coming. I always did."

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm insane." I pelted Ryou with a lemon. "Go." He fell. That's what he gets, being albino...

"Vampires make microwaves too. They're evil."

"That why you don't use one?"

"Naturally. And they explode."

"...Of course." Marik sighed. At me. Like he was tired of me. I feel the panic rising already. But no time for panic! I have lemons to examine and vampires to defeat! When Life gives you lemons, kill vampires. My words of wisdom for the fans today. Seriously. Because lemons kill vampires. Well, lemon juice. Same basic idea though. Kids, take it from Kaiba, vampires hate lemons.

"You're insane."

"I know. But that's the fault of the microwaves."

"...Yeah. Are you coming to court with us?"

"Can't."

"Why?"

"I'm stocking up for the vampire fights. Need to be sure the lemons are perfect."

"Seto, there is no apocalypse and no vampires!"

"And when they come, you'll be unprotected."

"...Alright, that's enough." He grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the room. My lemons! Oh look. Yami.

"Why's Ryou on the floor?"

"Seto hit him with a lemons."

"Do I even want to ask?"

"No. Seto believes vampires exist and can be stopped with lemons. Don't ask. Just go."

Yami shrugged, collected his albino lover, and left. Marik dragged me to my room. It's unfaaaair. He shoved me onto my bed.

"You. Are. Coming. To. Court." He paused. "Why are you using new sheets?"

"...Ryou and Yami made out on my flamingo ones."

"Oh. Anyway, you are coming and that's final."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Let me finish with my lemons.."

"No. We're going to have a talk first. Your screwyness is growing into insanity."

"And again. Fault of the vampire made microwaves."

"No, I think you just need to get laid."

"I assume you have someone in mind?"

"Possibly."

"Who?"

"I was thinking... Anzu?"

I hissed. "She's horrible in bed."

"Oh? You've been with her then?"

If I wasn't staring angrily at him, I'd have killed him. But I didn't. He was my friend. Plus, I wouldn't get a refund on the money I'd spent on that lawyer.

* * *

Next week on Brownie Points: Where have Seto's lemons gone? Does Marik have something to do with it? Do vampires? Do they even exist? Lemon orphanges and lemon lemurs, oh my! And where did that flamingo come from? 


	8. Lemon Orphans and Lemon Lemurs

Alright. My home computer is having issues it seems, so that gift I promised for chapter seven reviewers _will_ be given out, but it will be a little while before my computer is back up to speed and I can get that out to you all. With that said, usual disclaimers, and enjoy. Oh, and yeah... I had writer's block with this one, and It's not completely gone, so nine might take a little longer. But it will come!

* * *

When Marik finally let me go back to my lemons, I was horrified to find them gone. Missing. Vanished.

...Vampires! _They _must have been behind this!

I frantically began a frenzied search for my lemons. In bedrooms, bathrooms, the parlor. Under beds and couches and tables. In closets and clothes and Marik's pants pockets.

But found nothing. Nada. Zip. Other words meaning nothing. So I tried outside.

Front lawn was clueless and so was the tree. The side yards were no better. My only hope lay in the backyard. I found Mokuba there.

...With my lemons. In a box. Labeled "Orphanage." They were safe! And I snatched them away.

Marik had followed to watch the interaction between us, he says it amuses him. Mokuba made a face.

"Big brother! I was taking care of those!"

"They're mine for the vampires."

"They're orphans!"

"They're lemons." This argument lasted for five minutes. I won. As always. Won back my lemons.

A few hours into recounting my lemons, I noticed some were missing. I started a new search. To my horror, I found them.

Marik had eaten them, sucked them dry.

"You fiend! Eating my lemons!"

"Oops?"

It was horrid, I tell you. The only thing left to do was craft lemurs from the leftover lemons.

To the Kaibacave!

Marik followed, as I explained my new plan to him.

"Why?"

"It's brilliant, you see? The vampires won't expect to be attacked by lemurs made of lemons!"

"Alright... Remind me to call the psycho ward."

"When we've won." I wish he wouldn't sigh so. It bothers me.

Our lemon lemurs took a few hours, and a million toothpicks, but we finished them. Then Marik left. Said he had things to do. Daring to have things more important than me, for shame.

Once Marik was gone, I turned on my computer, and started looking up the prices and requirments of flamingoes. I tried EBay, but they sucked. I did finally find a site that sold flamingoes. It was unexpected, but pleasing. I ordered my flamingo.

It arrived a week later. In a crate. I named him Fluffy. Fluffy and I got happily along. I found he likes toast. And lemons. After that, I set Fluffy loose to explore.

It took a few hours, but Fluffy returned to me, a perplexed Mokuba in his wake. We ate dinner, and in the midst of it, Mokuba asked a stupid question.

"Seto, where did that flamingo come from?"

* * *

Next week on Brownie Points: Will Kelpy get over her Writer's Block?! Will she write chapter nine?! When will she _post_ chapter nine? And why won't her shoes stay tied?

Seriously. I'll get on nine, I promise. I've got sugar, Cola, and RPs all over the place. It shall not die!


	9. Bloody Mints

Writer's block died! Usual disclaimers. Drive by cameo(s) performed by SilentSpawn, who owns himself, and by the author who really has no clue who owns her by this point. She was, however, recently informed that SilentSpawn owns her.

* * *

For three days I let Fluffy explore. Then I took him out into the world. 

Clipping on his flamingo leash, (damn they're handy!) I opened the front door. He didn't go anywhere. So I poked him. He took off.

Ten minutes later we were at the park. And so was Marik. And his midget. And a female.

"Seto, why the _hell _do you have a flamingo?"

"Bought it. And it's not just any flamingo. It's an _attack _flamingo."

"Okay... Why?"

"See, no one would expect a flamgino to attack."

"Seto, that's what guard dogs are for."

"Flamingoes are cooler."

"...Do you at least feed it shrimp like a normal person?"

I watched as Fluffy flew at Marik.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Reiyne asked, looking shocked, interested and scared all at once.

"Oh sure. Fluffy's just showing his love."

"I'M BLEEDING FROM THE EYES!"

Oh, he's such a liar. "Here Fluffy! Toast!" Fluffy returned to me. Marik lied. He's not bleeding from the eyes. "S-H-R-I-M-P is his attack word," I said matter of factly. "Toast is his recall word."

"That's wonderful," he answered. His female friend was still laughing. She was actually turning blue. I fear she might pass out. That'd be cool. I should have brought a camera. but I didn't. Oh well. Fluffy and I stayed a few more minutes, then we continued on our excursion.

At the Flamin' go, they threatened to cook him if I didn't take him away, so we left. All in all, it was a successful day.

I brought Fluffy to work on Monday. And I invited Ryou along. Because Ryou is really good at scaring my employees into working when my back is turned. Don't know how he does it, the little albino rat. But it's damn nice. I should hire him. Won't pay him, but can still hire him. ...I just better not have to hire Yami too. Because he's gay.

"Did you know Yami's gay, Bakura?" I asked, petting Fluffy like one of those villains with a cat in one of those movies. Bakura blinked.

"Uh, yes? I did."

I nodded. "Good."

"I'm dating him."

"Ah. Of course." I nodded matter of factly, and continued typing. I wasn't working on work. I was working on Lemon Quest, my new virtual reality game. "Mario. That's the _best _game ever, did you know?"

Bakura stared at me. "Did you know you can be annoying?"

"I can fire you Bakura."

"...I don't even work for you!"

"Oh yeah. You're hired. No pay, but you're hired. Now you're fired for your comments. Mint?"

He rolled his eyes and reached for one. I smacked his hand away.

"Employees only. No mint for you."

He sighed. Fluffy bit him. I watched him try not to scream.

"Awww, Fluffy loves you."

"He's eating my flesh!"

Why do they hate me Fluffy so? The malicious lies. There is no bleeding of the eyes, and my Fluffy eats no flesh. Cruel, cruel lies I say! He shook my Fluffy off and glared at him. Ooh, glaring contest! Fluffy'll win, hands down. I mean wings down. And then my door opened. Marik walked in, using his female friend as a shield.

"Shrimp!" he declared. He's an idiot. She sidestepped, and Fluffy latched onto Marik.

"Dammit Mesha!"

Oh, so female has a name. Ugly. We'll stick with female friend.

"Marik's being eaten. Gonna recall your bird?"

"Nah. Mint?"

"Sure!"

"My eyes!"

"Oh shush Marik. We're eating mints."

I like this female friend! She's cruel. Like me!

"Pain!"

"Toast." And Fluffy returned.

"You said you weren't gonna recall him."

"Don't want him too full. Lunch's in an hour."

"Oh, of course. Perfectly reasonable."

Lunch was a quiet affair. I sat at a table next to a toable that had a couple. ...I think they were a couple. Maybe just friends. The girl had blue hair, the guy had silver hair and shades. Freaks. The girl, with her freaky blue hair, was telling the other one something about millionaire CEOs, flamingoes, and maybe vampire. It was very vague, and we didn't stay long enough to hear it all.

Fluffy is so adorable! I fed him toast for dinner that night. Then we watched Oprah and went to bed. Uneventful night, as usual. Except when the toaster exploded, but that's irrelevant. Damn werewolves.

* * *

Next week on Brownie Points: Fluffy eats a skirt, and Seto can't afford a new toaster! Marik's court day comes up, what will this mean for them? And what's this, Marik's pregnant?! And why are they doing the wave? Find out next time!

Sorry it took so long, but I forgot the notebook at a friend's house, she held it hosyage, and then I was a bit lazy. So... Yeah.


	10. The Wave

I got a laptop for Christmas. Therefore, I shall do a dance! And while I do that, here's Bakura with our local weather and a disclaimer.

Bakura: Hate you... Alright. She doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh! She does own a new laptop, finally. And for the weather, cold. Very cold. But no snow. Which saddens her, and even me. I can't throw snow when it's not here, dammit. Leave your valuables for me in that review you intend to leave and make my Christmas merry too.

----

I'm a multi-millionaire, but I can't afford a new toaster. So, Mokuba had to starve on cereal. I bought Fluffy toast on the way the way to work. He bit the store clerk. Why does everyone hate Fluffy so? He only wants to love them. I didn't pay for Fluffy's toast because the clerk screamed. I'm rich, I can do that.

I didn't bring Bakura to work again today, but I didn't need him anyway. I had Fluffy. And toast. I continued to work on Lemon Quest today. Then I took some time off to terrorize employees, and cause some chaos. The usual. Fluffy tried to eat my secretary's skirt, that was funny. I'm cutting her pay for throwing a stapler at him. She didn't like that, but too bad, She couldn't do anything about it if she wanted to keep her job... I need new hobbies.

Court day came. Stupid place didn't allow flamingoes inside, so I had Bakura and Yami flamingo-sit. Court was boring, thank me I wasn't asked to testify. Marik won. He gets his midget, whoopee. ...Now, if I could just get laid, we'd be all set. Oh bloody hell, I'm so gay. But only for Marik, dammit! Insert shifty-eyed look here now. When we left, we stopped for Fluffy, then went out for lunch. Fluffy had toast and lemons. I had shrimp. The waiter screamed when Fluffy bit him, so I'm not tipping. Marik had some sort of food or something. Midget had a cheese sandwich. Mmm, bread. Maik was all like, glowy. Like pregnant females are when they find out. ...Maybe he's pregnant? ...Would that make me a father? Holy shit! ...No, wait. That wouldn't work. I haven't slept with him lately. So... Some _other_ guy impregnated Marik! For shame! How dare he get pregnant without me! I wonder if he'll buy me a new toaster? I should ask.

"Marik?"

"What?"

"Can you buy me a new toaster?" He put down his fork.

"Did it explode _again_?"

"Damn werewolves."

"...You put a fork in it to get the toast, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"For a genius, you're a moron."

"So... Will you?"

"I guess so..."

"Thank you!"

"And this Reiyne is an example of the rare and not so elusive millionus idiotus. Also known as Seto Kaiba."

"You are _so _mean Marik."

"At least I get paid to be,"

"By who?"'

"...I lied. I have no paycheck." Reiyne-midget-thing giggled. ...Would I have to adopt her if I married Marik? That's a creepy thought. ...What if I married Bakura? Woud Yami kill me?

Fifteen minutes of eating and thirty minutes of radom musings later, we were at Marik's house. Oh, get your minds out of the gutters, morons. Nothing happened.

But he did give me a new toaster. He has a closet full. It has a sign that says "spare toasters". He must have problems with werewolves too.

Damn werewolves.

I left after like an hour or two. Mokuba was home alone, and I wasn't taking chances on him blowing up the mansion. ...Or talking to Jee-the butler.Knowing him, he'd have concocted some sort of experiment involving military explosives, baking soda, vinegar, and cheese. And wires. Lots of wires. That or drop a barrel of acid all over my clean floor. The time it'd take to clean that! Good thing I've got maids. ...I really should start paying them.

I've got Batman shoes. They're frickin' sweet. And they make me look even cooler than I already am. Bonus.

The next day I stepped into the Kaiba Corp. cafeteria to get some lunch. I recieved a strange surprise. my (crazy) employees were all, with precise timing, doing the Wave from one end of the rooom to the other and back. They were also yelling bonzai.

...Why don 't I own a gun? I hope, when they leave, every last one of them is hit by a bus. I put down Fluffy and grabbed my megaphone. (It hangs by the doors for mergencies. Like this.) "Either sit down, shut up and eat, or get back to work!" There was a pause, one final wave, and then my (stupid) employees dispersed to resume working. I grabbed something to eat, then found Fluffy. We went to the park.

As usual, it was filled with freaks.

At one point, there was a girl with a pair of severed feet, being chased by a girl in a wheelchair. Freaks. I saw the freaky blue haired girl again, with the guy in shades. She was talking about Batman, vampires, lemons and flamingoes. More freaks. Why do I come here again? Ooh, hotdog man! I bought two. Hot dogs I mean, not hotdog men. One was for Fluffy. He wasn't particularly fond of it. So I didn't pay for his hotdog. Just mine. Some pigeon ate his, so some old man can pay for it.

We went on our way, all the way around the park.

It's hard to find children to torment these days. So I settled for some old dude. Thought I saw Bakura shove an old lady into the fountain, but he's at home. So that can't be right. That boy needs mental help. Unlike me. I'm perfectly sane, just like Fluffy. Maybe I'll call a psychiatrist for Bakura... And for Yami, since he's gay and has multi-colored hair. That hair is an _obvious_ cry for help. Honestly, who puts _bangs_ in front of their eyes these days?

I got home pretty early today. Mokuba was home. I didn't speak to him right away. I was scheming to see Marik.

I got it!

I'll break my toaster again! I grabbed a lemon and buttered it. Mokuba got in the way with his "Seto, don't butter orphans!" sphiel again, but he was easily distracted, I told there was a puppy in a tree outside. He went to find it. Fool. I put the lemon in the toaster and it exploded.

Damn werewolves!

I called Marik, who agreed to come give me a new toaster. He's so nice.

He got here really fast. And looked at my toaster. "...There's a lemon in the toaster."

"Damn werewolves."

"You stuck a lemon in it, didn't you Seto?"

I went shifty eyed. "Nooo."

He sighed. "You need to stop being such a psychoidiot Seto." He handed me a new toaster. "Next time, get your own toaster."

I petted the toaster, vaguely reminding myself of that Lord of the Rings character, and smiled in a creepy way. "Thanks. Love you."

"...Yeah..." he stared at me for a minute. "You're an idiot."

He is _so_ mean. Like an owl. A diabetic owl. With glasses. Large glasses. Or a dead mouse. Either one. He's that mean.

I invited him for dinner. We had homemade pizza. And yes girls, I said homemade. Seto Kaiba can cook, he's that awesome. We won't mention the first attempt, as Marik is a horrible pizza cook. The second attempt went well, as I didn'y allow marik within four feet of the pizza or anything related to it. Which he didn't like. I set him with the job of settng the table and keeping my chair warm. And entertaining Fluffy. He didn't want to, b ut he did it. Bears were involved, I think.

The pizza was quickly done without his interference, and we sat down to eat. He was all moody and stuff,ad somehow female friend showed up and appeared at the table. Eating my pizza, for cheesy shame. Marik looked like he'd lost to a clawed lawn mower, and Fluffy looked all cheery. They must have had fun, How sweet.

Yay pizza. Yay.

----

Next time on Brownie Points: Oh no! Kelpy hasn't written chapter eleven yet! What does this mean for our favorite maniac and his friends? Kelpy's favorite song just started playing! She got a laptop, let's dance! And what's this, she lost her poking fork!


	11. Drive By Pretzeling!

First thing to mention, I've become addicted to StraightJacket Feeling by The All American Rejects, who I don't own though I own a copy of the song. Don't ask how I got it. Second thing. Bakura's sad. No one left him anything for Christmas. And he even asked so very nicely in chapter ten of Brownie Points.

Bakura: Damn straight!

Quiet, you're supposed to be sad.

Bakura: Sorry.

Anyway, Usual disclaimers apply. Enjoy! The kid in the window owns himself, but we like to pretend he doesn't. xD

* * *

We devoured our pizza. It was delicious. Now, to make Female Friend run away... 

---

A few days later, I got my head stuck in the window of my limo. Damn driver must be blind, because he didn't stop. It's not easy keeping up with a moving limo when your head is stuck in the window. It took him five and a half blocks to realize it and roll down my window. I won't even go into why my head was stuck in the first place.

We passed some kid in glasses who had his head stuck in a parked car's window. Heh. Moron.

But anyway, once we were past that little incident, we picked up Marik and Midget-Reiyne-Girl. We were going to a movie.

On the way, we saw a giant gingerbread man walking back and forth on the sidewalk holding a sign in front of a car dealership, advertising. (1)

We threw pretzels at him. Drive by pretzeling! (2) Fluffy likes pretzels, we found. And the movie theater was only too happy to let him in as well. Ticketless, no less! Such nice did-not-have-to-be-blackmailed,-I-really-mean-it-and-I'm-_not_-being-sarcastic! people.

The movie was boring. No flamingoes, lemons, vampires or exploding toasters. But it was a daaaaaate. Yaaaay.

I bought what's her name some ice cream. Marik liked that.

And then I went home to bed. I had a nice day.

* * *

1 - The sad thing? This was a real occurance back in December. 

2 - Again. This also happened. Except we threw them at Jeremy, not the gingerbread man.

Yes, it's very short. Next chapter should be longer, much longer, and stuff. Don't worry, I won't die. O.o

Next week on Brownie Points: Kelpy's getting there. Slowly. Really. And why has her muse run away with the plastic fork she kept in her pocket? What insanity will this cause now? And where's her cat?

Extra SideNote: I got a Flamingo for XMas. Loves to Chrissy for it. Once I get an image of it ito photobucket, I'll link so you guys can see.


	12. Pixelated Vengance!

Usual Disclaimers. I don't own Pokemon, though I do own most of the games. Hah, take that Pokemon Company! ...Anyway. -Wanders off to have another shot at Flannery.-

* * *

I found a new (non-Marik!) addiction. 

Pokemon. Even I, with all my greatness, have been thwarted in my Pokemon Quest by the buggers. And I've discovered the wonders of trading. Midget's got some good ones.

Oh GameBoy, how thee hold my short attention span! It's like magic! Only better.

So yes. I'm sitting in a meeting, playing Emerald. Damn Flannery thwarts me yet again! Damn her! Damn her and her pixelated existance!

Ooh, I won. W00T!

...I don't even know what this meeting is about. But I think they're waiting for me to say something.

Uh... Hm...

"I won?"

There was a moment of silence, then someone cleared their throat. I left them to talk, returning to my game. It was more interesting instead.

I spent a week trying to find a Pikachu. Only to have Midget tell me they're not around in this game. Well, I can't have that!

For another week, my entire staff was working on reprogramming Emerald. I'll get my Pikachu if it kills me. They finally did it, but now all I _can _catch is Pikachu...

This will not do! And I really should get Kaiba Corp. back on track, we're starting to go under...

After another four weeks of switching between proper Pokemon programming and keeping the company going, Midget's birthday came up. I didn't even know she had one... Wait, does Marik have one too?

Hell... Do _I _have one? I got invited to her party! There'll be cake! And ice cream! Yaaaaay!

I'd dance, but Seto Kaiba dances like white men jump. Not at all.

I just went to the party instead. Fluffy came along. He only ate toast and cake, but he seemed to like the gift wrapping. Especially when it was waved around and he could charge at it like a rabid bull.

I got Midget a giant teddy bear. It was all I could find, because they don't ave giant stuffed flamingos. She named it Anu.

...It's actually a little cute. Maybe I'll get one...

It wasn't much of a week. Very disappointing. Company came back up, Marik is miiiiiine, Pokemon Emerald continues to hold its memsmerizing appeal, and Pikachu continues to belong to me.

All in all, I'm happy.

* * *

Next week on Brownie Points: Kelpy has no idea anymore what will come next! But she does know that the dark is scary. She also knows she's begun two new stories that may or may not go up depending on her mood! (And her procrastination.) And Ryou's being stalked again, oh my. Just, not here. xP 

Did anyone catch the movie reference? xP

SideNote: I now have an AIM specifically for Brownie Points reviewers to reach me at if they want to! The SN is BrowniePoints89. I adore random IMs, so feel free to poke me anytime I happen to be on! Just be sure to let me know you're a reviewer, or I may not answer right away. n.n


	13. To Goat or not to Goat? Meet Spock

Chapter thirteen inspired by this link: h t t p / w w w . f a d e e v a . c o m / B e a s t s / s t u f f e d g o a t . j p g Whoever posted that online? Thank you. xD It killed me twice, and inspired me. I owe you.

Usual disclaimers apply.

(Bakura says thank you to the one person who got him an XMas gift, and the others say thank god no one got him weapons.)

Spock the goat belongs to me, the idea of owning a goat belonged to me before Seto got it into his brain, and I named Spock on my own with Reiyne's help. So Spock is my goat for real in my head. ;P But feel free to get your own goat! (And for anyone who's curious, while Seto has beaten Flannery, I still have not. XD But Combusken did grow a level!)

* * *

Would Fluffy get along with a goat? This is the question I have asked myself fifteen times today since we stepped foot into the petting zoo.

I've been staring into the goat pen for the past hour. Marik wandered off somewhere. Reiyne midget is here with me. Watching the goats. She wants a pet goat. So do I. We agreed to buy one. Now it's a matter of does Fluffy like goats?

Screw it, I'm buying a goat.

Three hours, two hundred dollars, and one goat later, I'm leading Reyne and a goat out of the petting zoo on a rope. The goat, I mean. Not Reiyne. Marik won't let me. I asked.

She named the goat Spock. Who names a goat Spock? ...Who owns a goat, for that matter...

We brought ...Spock (Kirk sounds cooler)... back to my place. Fluffy and (Kirk!) Spock seem to get along quite well.

Turns out Mokuba is afraid of goats.

Huh, and I never even knew...

He avoids Spock (Kiiiirk) like the plague. Claims he's not scared, but he's lying. And Spock (still Kirk) knows he is. Goats smell fear. Or is that carnivores? Well, whatever. Spock (I give up...) smells his fear because I said so. And he follows Mokuba around. Like a black cloud of misery and fear that's actually a grey white cloud.

Are goats normally so fuzzy? It's like a walking shag carpet. With horns. ...A walking shag carpet with horns, that is the size of a small pony.

Spock settled himself into the backyard.Like he lived ther-Oh right. He does now. Well, anyway. I didn't know goats ate grass. Or toast. Or tin cans... Why is Spock eating from the garbage?

"Why is the goat eating from the garbage?" Marik doesn't understand the sublties of goatlife very well.

"Obviously, he finds it delicious." In an alternate universe, my response would have been accompanied by some sort of supercool Batman music.

But not here. Dammit. At least I have my ultracool Batman shoes. They're from Batman.

Marik's staring at me again for some reason. "Seto?"

"Hm?"

"...You're crazy." He went inside. I stayed outside to watch Spock for a little longer.

I need to stop living in my head.

* * *

Is it just me, or are these getting shorter the longer this goes on? ...I don't even know when this is going to end, it's kinda taken on a life of it's own now... So, yes. It might end soon, it might not. Hell, it may never end. But I dunno. I'll find out when you guys do. So, see that little button? Have fun with it. xP

Next week on Brownie Points: Spock the Goat has joined the family. Marik and Seto are once again an item. Yami and Ryou(Or is it Bakura?) show up for a surprise visit. Can Mokuba conquer his fear of goats? And Tristan learns a devastating secret about the true origins of his hair!


	14. Hot Dogs and Crutches And Fat Kids

Once again, the usual disclaimers apply. Takahashi owns YGO, not I, The Kelp. Though I do own Reiyne, and half of a Chicken Parm sandwich. Yay sandwich. Glasses Kid owns himself. For now. xP

Oh, and the last preview? I lied. XD

-----

There are six more of me walking around.

Yes, I said six more. They're cosplaying. See, Marik and Reiyne dragged me and Mokuba to some anime/weird thingy convention thingermabob. And six people are dressed as me, walking around.

That guy's too short. He's too tall. He's too fat, and he's too skinny. That guy's just right, but he doesn't have Batman shoes. So he's wrong too. And that kid over there? His hair isn't the right shade of brown.

I'm dressed as Batman. I'm frickin' awesome.

Reiyne is dressed as a Kuriboh. Ha. Haha. I laugh at her, verbally. In small sentences. Wow, that's not as easy as it sounds.

Marik dressed as Yugi. I nearly died laughing. We brought Fluffy and Spock, dressed in Robin and a strawberry, in that order.

Ooh, pocky!

Marik mentioned meeting the other idiots for this thing. Gods, I hope not.

Heeeey... That's the kid in glasses from last chapter! I mean the other day. I broke no fourth wall, really. Shush. He had his head stuck in the window the other day. So _this _is what he looks like without the window!

He's dressed as a giant hot dog.

Wow... Yeah, no. That's just... There are no words for this.

Hey, manga! ...Host Club, love that, Yu Yu Hakusho, love that too. Pet Shop of Horrors, _heart _that one...

Oh, look. Rorouni Kenshin. (1)

I have cash. I rock. I bought all the ones I didn't have.

I like this place.

I shall come here more often!

Hey, there's contests! I see Yugi, and Wheeler, over there.

"I see them."

"So do I. Come on Reiyne." I followed Marik and Reiyne over to the group of misfits. They didn't dress up, that's not fair. We dressed, and they didn't?

So I took some fat kid's crutch and hit Yugi with it. It looked painful. It made me giggle. I started cackling when Fluffy bit him. (2)

Wheeler thought it was funny too. But no one likes him, so I beat him with the crutch too. The fat kid hobbled off before I turned on him. He didn't get too far. The hot dog tripped him.

I like that hot dog….

Note to self: Send hot dog random amounts of cash.

More notes to self: Ask about window.

They have AMV contestssssssssss. I'm a snake. On the inside, dammit.

"….Are you on something? You've been talking to that manga for at least ten minutes Seto," Marik muttered.

"I'm a snake!"

"……I'll go call animal control." He started to walk off. Where does he think he's going! I'm still right here!

"Heeeeey!"

"If you're a snake, I'm calling. I'm allergic to reptiles."

"No you're not."

"That's not the point."

"So don't call!"

"Well, then pick one. Be a snake or be Batman."

"I'm a snaky Batman."

"….Wouldn't that make you a villain?"

"A villain with cool shoes."

"…..Yeah, where's me phone?"

"Reiyne's got it!"

"No I don't!"

"Yugi has it!"

"Got what?"

"His phone."

"No I don't. It's in his pocket."

He doesn't have pockets, he's you!"

"Why's that fat kid still lying there?"

"I beat him with his own crutch."

"Oh. Okay. Let's go get lunch then."

"Snaky lunch?"

"….Sure."

"Yaaaaay! Snaky villain Batman lunch!"

"I want a hot dog!"

"There's a giant one!"

"….I won't ask."

"But Marik, you _always _ ask!" There was a pause.

"Either get moving or I'll beat you with that damn crutch you're still holding."

"Right!"

And so we went to get hot dogs. The fat kid went missing. The hot dog was popping in and out of the crowd all day. I threw something at him once. I missed. …How I missed I dunno, but I did. I can't aim it seems. And then we had a ride on a merry go round. We dunno where it came from. Yay.

We heart the convention.

I liked riding the red dragon on the merry go round.

-----

1 - All titles belong to their respective owners. I own copies of volumes, but not the actual trademark. Except Kenshin, I don't have a volume of that. Yet. But one day...

2 – The crutch belonged to the kid in glasses who wore the hot dog. The fat kid was some kid we don't like. He's fat. xPP


	15. The Diary, Part One, A Side Story

Bakura: Well, while Angela continues to plot the death of the bastard who stole her laptop, and then took a hammer to it when she freaked him out with tracker BS, I will be doing disclaimers and apologies for her taking so long to update since she went off to the Bahamas and left you all to rot for a week.

I did _not_ leave them to rot for a week. --;

Bakura: Whatever. Anyway, Angela owns nothing of YGO except some games, a deck or two, some leftover cards-like a million of them really- and some episodes she downloaded off the internet to her stolen KelpBox.

Anger!

_The original chapter was lost when the original laptop was destroyed. Therefore, this is a guest chapter written by my lovely friend Shadowed Ambience as a bunch of inspirational little blurbs for me to run with and use in chapters. We chose instead to make it something else. Another friend will most likely be contributing a continuation of this chapter later on in the story, as this has become a side story to the actual (nonexistant!)plot of Brownie Points. While I attempt to rewrite the chapter from scratch, I present to you: The Diary, Part one, A Side Story._

* * *

_It is not a well known fact, but Seto Kaiba owns a diary. It is a blank dairy. It is also his fifth. Why you ask? It is simple. After each entry, he tears it out and burns it. Except for these entries that Mokuba has managed to squirrel away and hide from his big brother in the hopes of blackmail, all records of such entries have been burned each night. We now bring you those surviving entries._

_-.-.-.-.-_

People always think that Marik's hair is natural, but they've never seen him get ready in the morning. This one time, I accidently found him in the bathroom, and stepped on a can. I looked up at Marik and he was using hairspray.

"Cheater!" I yelled. At least Yugi's crack inspired hairstyle doesn't require twelve cans of hairspray. Or does it...? Oh crap, I don't want to imagine what he does in the morning. What if he ran out of hairspray?

-.-.-.-.-

Once Marik wanted to be a spy. It explained why he went around humming that creepy Mario theme. Like when you're in the caves.

-.-.-.-.-

Sometimes I think calculators can read my mind.

-.-.-.-.-

Damn Daylight Savings Time! How can you save time? Has it been captured by Bowser?!

-.-.-.-.-

I think Fluffy needs glasses. I saw him run into a wall yesterday.

-.-.-.-.-

Mokuba suggested that I should get off the coffee. I think he's still locked in that closet...

-.-.-.-.-

Once, I wondered what it'd be like without money. Then I got over it and fired someone.

-.-.-.-.-

I walked into the work area today and everyone burst into song and dance.

-.-.-.-.-

I've always liked fuzzy dice. They're so... fuzzy.

-.-.-.-.-

Did you ever wonder what happened to our school? I bought it and sold it on E-Bay. To someone in Kansas. It sold for a nickel. And three pennies. Some chica named Kelp.

-.-.-.-.-

Ever wonder what "bonjour" meant? Me too. Tell me if you find out.

-.-.-.-.-

Someone told me I looked like this kid Dave. Then I fired them. He must be pretty sexy.

-.-.-.-.-

Duel Monsters: The game with no imagination after I was done with it.

-.-.-.-.-

Yugi used to be fat. Then he went on a diet.

-.-.-.-.-

I ran over a squirrel yesterday and cried for an hour. Then I went out for lunch and had squirrel stew. Wonder if it was the same squirrel?

-.-.-.-.-

I wore all cameoflauge and creeped around Domino the other day. People were staring at me. Isn't it supposed to make me invisible?

-.-.-.-.-

When I was doing the cameo thing, I saw a bright blue clownfish.

-.-.-.-.-

Marik called me an idiot again. We had a duel. I tried to use a spell as a trap card. Wow I'm an idiot.

-.-.-.-.-

I found a pair of my underwear on EBay. It was up to $10,000. So that's why Marik was in my drawers!

-.-.-.-.-

Mokuba brought something fluffy in the house today. Fluffy hissed at it and it made noises. It was a kitten! So... cute... Must... resist... evil intentions... Aw crap. I petted it.

"I dub thee Something!"

-.-.-.-.-

Yami and Ryou's adopted kid Kayla asked me for Malaria again today.

-.-.-.-.-

I saw someone playing guitar on the street for money. Poor people are stupid.

-.-.-.-.-

They infested my house again. Luckily, I found no one in my room. ...Damn albino.

-.-.-.-.-

I don't know how, but Mokuba managaed to get me into one of those princess dresses. It was sparkly.

-.-.-.-.-

A lot of blackboards aren't black. They're green. We should call them greenboards.

* * *

All of these were written by Shadowed, except the two I wrote and the two lines I contributated to the Domino High sold on Ebay one. So, let her know what you think of them, will ya? xP I loved 'em, personally. Made me giggle quite a few times. I'll get to work on the proper chapter and things, and expect some more of these types of side story chapters to flitter in and out of the story. 


	16. Eye Rolls

I don't own YGO. 

After who knows how long of procrastination, I'm finally rewriting the original chapter fifteen. Except the original chapter fifteen was "Beanie Baby Jousting." That's being moved forward a bit and I'm doing something else entirely for this chapter.

Those of you who have been waiting for an update, rejoice! It is finally here!

Those who haven't, too bad it's here anyway. 3

* * *

You ever get a phone call at three in the morning from a friend you met online, who lives in like Kansas or something? 

No?

Me either.

I don't have friends. Marik and the Plague don't count as friends because they live in the same city, and Marik I'm dating so he obviously can't count.

Well, anyway.

I got a call from an internet friend who lives in Kansas last night at three in the morning.

If I had parents and wasn't a super cool billionaire with his own company, I might have been grounded for a month for it. But I don't, I am, so I wasn't.

We talked for two hours, then Fluffy at the phone cord and we were disconnected.

He was in the middle of telling me how his friend that day had done the stupidest thing ever during lunch break in school.

Heh... I should do that. See, he dropped a dime in the kid's milk, and the kid started tipping the milk a bit, trying to get it out.

He poured his milk out, all over his homework and didn't realize it until he was out of milk.

I am so doing that to Wheeler one of these days. I'll just go to wherever he works during his lunch break when he has important papers in front of him.

Oh oh! I found out Marik has a job!

He works in a cafe. He's there working now, so I'm babysitting his midget. Right now she's out back playing with the goat. Damn Spock, he ate my bed sheets last night. But he's so cute, I can't shoot him! With his shaggy carpet like looks, small pony like size and cute horns... Awwww...

Maybe we should go visit Marik at work.

Did you know it's a twenty minute drive to Marik's job from my house? Seriously. The midget will drive you _nuts_ in that time span with her bloody questions if you don'y give her something to do.

So I gave her crayons and some paper, and then retreated to my Pokemon game. I have eighty four Pikachus now, you know. 

They're so cool.

And my Mudkip is too. Yay Mudkip!

Aaaaaaaand there's the cafe!

When we got inside, Marik was on his lunch break, so we just kinda hung around and bugged him for the entire thing, then sat there and bugged him even longer once he was back working.

But we did buy food, so you can't say we didn't contribute to the business!

And the woman who owned the place didn't seem to care either. She even gave us free food. Heh, score. I think we'll come here more often.

"So, is there a reason you two stalked me to work?"

"We got bored. Spock isn't as entertaining asleep as he is awake."

"Oh, of course." He needs to stop rolling his eyes at me. What if they get stuck in that rolled up to the sky spot? That'd be weird and creepy and I don't think I could date someone with eyes like that.

Oh my god, if his eyes did get stuck like that, how would he _do_ anything! He'd have to put his head down all the time, and it'd get stuck in a weird angle then, and then he'd just look weird! And then we'd break up because i refuse to date a freak, and then he'd lose his job because of depression, and then his house because he's out of money, and without a house they'll take the midget from him-not that I'm complaining- and he'll get even more depressed and become an alcoholic hobo! And then, he'd be found dead one morning on a bridge outside of town with a broken bottle of beer, after being run over by a trucker!

OH MY GOD! 

Marik's staring at me, and I'm not sure why, but I think it has to do with the way I'm watching him. I can't let him roll his eyes anymore.

"Earth to Kaiba?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you keep staring at me like you just got caught with your hand in the cookie jar?"

"Because I don't want you to roll your eyes! They could get stuck facing the sky! And then how would you _do_ anything! You'd have to put your head down all the time, and it'd get stuck in a weird angle then, and then you'd just look weird! And then we'd break up because I refuse to date a freak, and then you'd lose your job because of depression, and then your house because you're out of money, and without a house they'll take the midget from you-not that I'm complaining- and you'll get even more depressed and become an alcoholic hobo! And then, you'd be found dead one morning on a bridge outside of town with a broken bottle of beer, after being run over by a trucker!"

"There's something wrong in your head, isn't there?" 

"_Don't roll your eyes!_"

"Oh for the love of! _Fine_!"

"Thank you." 

"...You're welcome."

We sat there another few hours until he was done, and then we all went to an amusement park.

It was fun.

* * *

Next time on Brownie Points! Seto and Reiyne have a Beanie Baby Jousting Contest! Is Spock really that entertaining? Why am I so crazy? 


	17. Beanie Baby Jousting, In a Vague Way!

Disclaimers abound like horny rabbits breeding. ...I don't own YGO, okay?

All names of persons not belonging to Takahashi are real people hiding behind usernames in an IRC and I own none of them.

* * *

I have discovered the wonders of road trips.

And the agony of not sleeping and spontaneously horrible planning.

Seriously. I'm a super genius CEO and I can't even plan a road trip properly. Fail. Epic fail. Yo. On the bright side, my limo driver now knows half of the country side!

Seto Kaiba doesn't do "lost" well. Yeah. That's right. I don't do "lost". I'd like to direct one episode of Lost someday though. It's a good show.

Except that one time, at the mall when I was shopping for new pants and got lost in Wal-Mart. Place is pure evil, you know. Wal-Mart should never be entered without a battle plan, full out battle armor, and a pack of wild dogs. You might lose your soul otherwise. I know so, I do! Midori told me so.

We stopped at Wal-Mart to see what games they had, but there was nothing good. Bakura and I hung out in the Hallmark card aisle, having a battle with the song cards they had there.

We got kicked out for that. Apparently, throwing cards at each other and screaming about bombs when they opened isn't allowed in the store. Sad, really. We were having fun. So, we got back into the limo again, and we took off for Kaiba Land. We took a detour though. I got hungry. Burger King isn't as great as they said it was. "My way!" is a lie! A LIE I SAY! I asked for a double bacon cheeseburger with no pickles, no bacon, no cheese, no burger, and while they were at it, I wanted a tuna fish sandwich with pickles, onions and cheese.

….They didn't have that. So, obviously it wasn't my way at all. It was their way or no way at all. I chose no way at all. Yay.

Did you know that there's a no shoes, no shirt, no service law? I didn't. I found out though when I tried to go into a gas store with just pants, a dare from Bakura, that crazy albino rat, and they kicked me out. I'm Seto Fucking Kaiba. And they kicked me out. I think I'm losing my touch. I'll work on that later.

We saw a cow! It was in the middle of the road. Fifty points if we hit it, but we missed it. The driver muttered something about crazy cows and exploding limos, but we weren't really listening to him. He's such a silly little man, talks about the oddest things. I should fire him someday. When I'm not feeling so cool.

But anyway. After our horribly planned road trip of Doom, we made it home in one piece and then we hung around my mansion all day playing video games and doing weird non Seto Kaiba things.

Like Beanie Baby Jousting with Midget.

We took her Beanie Baby collection and some random forks from a drawer in the kitchen, and after setting up an arena, the two of us began the jousting tournament.

"Dammit! You cheated!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"CHILDREN!" Marik yelled at us. "Do I need to separate you?"

"No! But Mi-Reiyne cheated!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

Marik made us both stand in the corner for misbehaving and fighting. It was totally unfair because she _cheated_.

"But she ch-"

"Another word and I'm going home." I went silent at this. I didn't want him to leave.

He ended up spending the night at my house. Fuck yeah.

* * *

Next time on Brownie Points: Special YGOTAS Guest Cameo Chapter! That's right, wonderful reviewers! Next chapter is not a chapter, but in fact a one time special with guest appearances by: LittleKuriboh, Kroze, and other people you've probably never heard of if you've never been to the YGOTAS website!

--Note: Obviously the guest appearances will not be the real persons themselves (Unless they want to write their roles in themselves?), but really just my usual parody humor involving random cameos.


	18. To conquer the world!

Thanks to Chrestomanci for inspiring the ending to this chapter. Thanks to my reviewers for waiting so patiently while I went through two technical difficulties with access to the file, and fought writer's block for a long time.

And as always, thank my horrible sense of humor for this nonsense.

Oh. And LittleKuriboh, Kroze, and Omega for not minding their cameos.

* * *

_Everything is quiet, as the door to the room opens._

A little Kuriboh, indeed the littlest Kuriboh of all (who also had the longest name of them all), walked into the room, and took a good look around.

There was a pause. Then, as if by magic, something in the corner moved.

It wasn't actually magic, it was just the authoress' attempt at suspense and drama and pretty much complete nonsense to make you think there's an actual plot to this entire story. But that's irrelevant. The thing in the corner, the little Kuriboh wondered if it had been dead previous to his entrance because everyone told him it hadn't moved in _hours_, sat up and watched the little Kuriboh.

"I wasn't dead, before you even ask," the thing said. It waddled out of the corner to reveal itself as a box, don't even ask how the hell a box could do any of this because I don't know either, before settling down again next to the Kuriboh.

"I was actually working and doing Important Things, which were Important. Like that website of yours. I was making sure it was working right."

The Kuriboh nodded. The room was suddenly full of people. Well, things, really. One of the others in this strange council of geeks, a bag of catfood, shook itself.

"Yeah, and still the users complain about bugs that _you_ missed."

"At least I'm not a bag of catfood, Omega."

"FUCK YOU KROZE," it snapped back, falling over in a rage.

"Don't make me kick you both off the Fun Time Express," the little Kuriboh commented, before turning to a computer screen.

There were a few moments of silence, as the odd gaggle took up various spots to work.

It was unclear what exactly it was they were working on, or how they even managed as most of them didn't even have hands, but whatever it was, it was clearly finished...

The box, now sporting a badly done attempt at a Yami hairdo, turned to its fellows. 'It has been done!"

The others, all now sporting badly drawn Yu-Gi-Oh! hairdo's, nodded.

"And from, here, We conquer the _World!_"

_The room faded to black, as one by one, Kroze, Omega, LittleKuriboh and six others left._

* * *

Next time on Brownie Points! Will Angela ever defeat writer's block? Is there a plot in all of this nonsense? And why is Angela awake at this hour? _  
_


End file.
